The Chemotherapy Diaries
On Saturday, I had session 6 of the Folfirinox chemotherapy, marking halfway through the planned 12 sessions. I previously mentioned that I was looking forward to the progress scan on February 28th as it will illuminate the situation with the tumour, whether good, bad or somewhere in between. In true fashion of the blog’s name, I am feeling the full effects of the ebb and flow of life today, and over the past few days. Unfortunately, I don’t share the optimism of my past self currently. I am going through another mental low. I’ve been trying to do things to pick myself up a bit, such as putting together plans for the wedding and looking at all of the incredible donations on the Just Giving page for the Run 40 campaign, which cheer me up. There is still a mental lull that I am struggling to kick, though.
The problem with having a good cycle, like cycle 5, is that you can find yourself slipping into complacency with the situation. That is my experience anyway. Not just the situation with the chemotherapy itself, but the overall situation with the cancer. I spent the last 2 weeks feeling like a bit of a world-beater. The running was going well, the cycle was quite refreshing in terms of how good I felt and it seemed like everything was moving in a positive direction. Things are still very positive from the perspective of most of these things. Even this chemotherapy cycle hasn’t left me feeling really terrible, though it does all seem somewhat relative. I always compare it to the very worst I have ever felt during a cycle so until I hit that point, I tend to feel somewhat optimistic. I think I underestimated the impact that hitting the halfway mark might have on me, especially as the original plan was to only do 6 sessions and then review. Or that was how I understood it, but I may have misunderstood; it isn’t uncommon for there to be a miscommunication between us muggles and medical professionals.
Treatment day was a tough one. Not the toughest, but it was up there. During bag number 2 (my mortal enemy in this struggle), I just felt awful. My body felt really worked up, nausea kicked in badly, and I couldn’t get comfortable. It isn’t a nice feeling when you can’t seem to settle in your own skin, and it felt like it set the tone for the rest of the weekend. I’ve been feeling sick, my body feels really worked up, and I am very fatigued. It took the help of some anti-sickness tablets yesterday to feel somewhat better, and I was involuntarily falling asleep again from the fatigue. I did have a particularly delightful nurse during treatment. She was really chatty, and we had good fun. She definitely made it more manageable whilst I was at the hospital. The nurses seemed to like the cookies too. My nurse particularly liked the pictures I showed her of my new apron and oven mitts, bought for me by the pancreatic-cancer beater Nigel, his lovely wife and his wonderful daughter Julie.
I managed to get out of the house on a short walk yesterday and went for Sunday dinner at a local restaurant 100 meters down the road, but that was all I managed. 2 of Anna’s good friends were visiting so I’m glad I managed to get out and be somewhat social with them. Becky and Danikka enjoyed puppy Lucy’s company too.
My friend Andy has sent me a few online writing competitions that I have entered. For one of them I submitted my World Cancer Day article without any edits. I wonder if that may be a disadvantage as it was submitted as a standalone essay, which it probably doesn’t work as, as it has a few references to the blog and other things. I figured if they liked the writing though, they’d get back to me and show an interest. Another one was a brief for a short story. I hadn’t written a short story before so it was quite fun, and kept me busy for some time during the chemotherapy appointment on Saturday. If it does not get chosen to be published, I will post it on here so you can (hopefully) enjoy it. The brief only wanted a 206-word story, so it is very short, but it provided an exciting challenge. It is fun to write something purely for creative purposes too, although the genre was ‘horror’ and I haven’t read a horror novel in my entire life. I was fairly happy with the finished piece though, I just tried not to think about it too much and ran with an idea. More on this later!
The other thing is that the Run 40 Campaign and fundraising has really blown me away. I cannot believe where it is at now, with over £4,300 in donations. It is truly astonishing, and reading the lovely comments is so heart-warming, fulfilling and just downright incredible. I feel so lucky that so many people in the world clearly connect with the struggle, whether for personal reasons of being affected by pancreatic cancer in some way or just connecting with the writing. Pancreatic Cancer UK also posted about me on Facebook and Instagram, and the reaction was totally mindblowing. I don’t have accounts on either of those sites so I couldn’t write anything in response, but some of my friends commented linking to the blog and the fundraiser. Hopefully a few people reading this have come over after reading those comments! I have also just received an email from Just Giving stating that I am in the top 1% of fundraisers in the past month – out of thousands of campaigns on their website! I just cannot thank everyone who has donated enough – it has been the only thing that has brought me to tears in the last few weeks; not even the cancer has managed it lately! Hopefully, I’ll be keeping that trend up despite feeling pretty volatile currently. It is also nice to find myself in the top 1% of something, after writing a whole article on wanting to be in the 1% of pancreatic survivors still alive 10 years after diagnosis. Proof that I really can get into the top 1% of something – yay!
So, I really do recognise that there are so many positive things going on and lots to feel grateful for. It is just another period where the situation with the cancer is weighing heavy on my mind. I had a fortified confidence last week that I can beat this cancer, and I still share that optimism to an extent. It is hard to make yourself truly believe something when your head isn’t in that place though, and I don’t truly believe it this week, unfortunately. Perhaps after a few more days, I will manage to get out and be more active, and this will bring my head back into a better place. How the physical symptoms pan out from treatment will also play a part in that of course. It is the kind of week where I am side-eyeing the Diazepam and fighting the urge to try it. I know that it isn’t an answer though; sedating yourself to get through the day is not ideal or a sustainable solution. It feels like an easy way of escapism occasionally may be granted in the situation, though. Or that is how I am justifying those thoughts.
I also was sent an article this morning about a new breakthrough in Pancreatic Cancer treatment that is due to come through over the next 5 years. Despite it having an overall positive message for those with pancreatic cancer, there were a few things in it that are now playing on my mind. It states that the outer shell of pancreatic cancer tumours are very thick, which is why they are difficult to tackle with things like chemotherapy. This new treatment manages to break holes through this shell, making treatment more effective. I haven’t cross-referenced the things in this article with any other news sources, and it is a Daily Mail article that I don’t usually read, but I don’t have many reasons to doubt any of the information. It perpetuates a feeling that it is just too far away for me to receive any benefit from it unless I am on the first human trials in the next few years, which isn’t impossible. I just always try and think back to Nigel’s amazing story, and how successful his chemotherapy was in treating his tumour. Let’s hope I’m still around to speak of a similar story in a few years.
Anyway, I am currently waiting for the district nurse to come over and take out the line that I have to wear for 48 hours after my treatment day. It contains the final chemotherapy drug. Once that is out, I can finally shower and that will cheer me up a bit. Then I’ll hopefully feel more comfortable getting out walking. I want to try and get my first run of the week in on Wednesday but that is depending on how well the treatment goes. In the last cycle I managed a 5K on Wednesday in week 1 but then spent the rest of the day falling asleep, totally exhausted, so it perhaps wasn’t ideal.
The song that we’re signing off the post with today is one of my favourite discoveries from the Positivity Playlist, a playlist I made when I was first diagnosed to help get me through the negative thoughts. It epitomises the vibe that I wanted from the playlist the most. Good job to Sophie Bolland who added it – solid, solid work. She is also the chief bridesmaid for our wedding, and it is her 30th birthday the day after the event. We’ve said that at midnight it ceases to be our wedding day, and everyone present and everything that is going on is for her 30th birthday from that point. Anna and I are selfless like that. Love ya, Sophie!
10 thoughts on “Half Way Blues”
One step at a time. You can’t expect the same kind of energy to fuel every day, but you can trust that the energy and positivity will be back. ❤️
i continue to be in awe of your bravery, your honesty, and the beauty of your words. i sure hope you have an easier day tomorrow, and the next tomorrow.
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Aw thank you very much Linnie! It’s really lovely to read such a beautiful comment 🙂
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The chemo sessions must be very rough on your body and mind at the moment but if that tumour is reducing it will all be worth it. You are incredibly brave and it is ok to be vulnerable. You are so honest and relateable and are really helping other cancer sufferers which I know in turn helps you. Love the photo of you in your pinny. Lucy is adorable. You can beat this Dan. I really hope the blues subside and you are able to do your running and all the things you love. Rest when you need to though. Rooting for you.
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It really will Kev, that’s what I keep telling myself about the tumour! Thank you so much for all the lovely words, as always. I’m sure it’ll subside – I always find a way. Sometimes it’s just nice to write the blog post when I’m feeling a bit low and throw all those thoughts on so I can better tackle them. Take care of yourself and thanks again – you’ve really improved my morning already!
Hope the fatigue and the chemo side effects subside soon. I think that when the body hurts and is overly exhausted even thinking of positivity is an uphill battle. Sometimes you just got to let your mind and body rest, but those fears and worries don’t care about that, do they?! It’s wonderful how you look for and see the positives in circumstances despite hardships. It shows through your attitude and writing.
And good luck on your contest writing entries!
Hi I was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer April 2019 which has also spread to the Liver I had the stent but can’t have the op.12 sessions of chemo and a further 2 days with a pump left me feeling as you say crap.It is now 2 years and 3 months since the chemo and still going strong seeing the Oncologist every 3 months keeps tabs on it and this week I will also have a scan to see where we are up to I have never lost my positivity but some days are really tiring so I try to get out as much as I can and not just give in.You are doing really well and I admire your determination keep it up.
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Hi Kath. Sorry to hear about your diagnosis 🙁. Very glad to hear you’re doing well though. I’m really struggling with mouth ulcers at the minute with the chemo – it only started in cycle 5 but it seems to be a mainstay now. Getting out and staying positive are definitely helpful tools in my limited experience. It makes all the difference setting yourself little targets to hit every day. Thank you, I’m totally in awe of your determination, you’ve been fighting this thing much longer than me! Stay safe x
I so appreciate your casual conversational tone of your writing! I am new to WordPress (I just found your & started my own blog) but so happy to have found a fellow WARRIOR! The ebbs & floes are normal (at least for me) and the pandemic on top of safety measures for pancan just push me to the limits sometimes! I’m just going along the path before me! Our paths are not the same just parallel & intersect at times!
“There are no wrong turns, only unexpected paths.” Mark Nepo
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There is definately a great deal to find out about this issue. I love all of the points you’ve made.