The Road to Recovery

I was meant to be in surgery last Friday but it was postponed by a week. Part of me wishes that I had not uploaded a post informing the audience of that fact, then uploaded a post in the middle of the day on Friday talking about being in surgery. That should have pulled in some views! I guess you can schedule posts on here, so if my audience knew about the WordPress functionality, they may deduce that it was all a ruse. Also, everyone that knows me personally already knew that it was postponed and they probably make up 50% of the audience of this blog, if not more. It would have surely fooled some people reading, though. Maybe I could have sat Tweeting as if I was in surgery throughout the Friday. ‘The surgeon is just clamping my stomach out of the way so he can access the pancreas. Still no eyes on the tiny twat of a tumour. Painkillers doing a good job but all the blood and organs are making me a little queasy #Hemophobic #ThatsSoSurgery’, the first Tweet could have read, to the dismay and disbelief of my followers.

All of a sudden it feels like I have cheated time. I got a similar sensation when I used to travel from the UK to America for work. It always felt like I had gained a few hours back for my travelling, with the time difference allowing my watch to jump back 5 hours upon landing. Of course, you lose that gained time when you make your way back to the UK, assuming that you ever go back. In a similar fashion with the surgery, I will lose another week further down the line recovering, where I would have felt better if I had been in surgery last Friday. That is probably worded a little confusingly, but hopefully you get my point. Now that I seem to have perfected the art of time travel, I may as well use some of my meaningless time to write another blog post, after a mini-hiatus.

I was shocked to read the news about Japan’s former Prime Minister, Shinzo Abe, being shot on Friday. Even more shocking was waking up to the news the following day that he had died. I spent a good 30 minutes in bed looking through articles from every news outlet I could find asking one simple question of them – why did it happen? Why did this man decide to shoot the prime minister dead during what seemed like a routine campaign speech? Further to this, why did he go to such lengths, creating his own firearm, just to carry out such a malice act? I couldn’t find anything provocative in the topic of speech, or even in the prime minister’s history in office. If anything, it seemed that he gained a lot of respect during his time in office, both domestically and on the international stage.

The answer to the question regarding why he created his own firearm seemed more straightforward – Japan has tight gun laws, so guns are hard to come by and gun crime is extremely low. Hence, if you want to shoot someone, you will struggle to get hold of a gun, so making one may be easier. Creating your own firearm requires a lot of planning, providing the potential perpetrator more time to get some perspective on what they are preparing to do. This person really wanted to kill this man, and no amount of time was convincing him otherwise. He followed through with the heinous act until the very end.

In the most human of ways, I was yearning for a concrete reason as to why this man decided to do this, as if everything is that simple. We humans like to organise the world into stories – they provide us with structure and allow us to better understand an event. In understanding the event, we can put it to bed in our minds, by providing an ending to the story and feeling that it was concluded. Sometimes we don’t find out the ending and it bugs us, but that also makes it an effective technique in storytelling – leaving it down to the interpretation of the audience, allowing them to create their own ending based on what they have learnt of the characters, events and mood of the piece. On other occasions, we may not like the ending of a story, and we find it jarring to accept what happened. By not agreeing with the ending of a story, we may discover more about ourselves and why we don’t accept the ending. Sometimes it may be obvious, like when our favourite character is killed. Other times it is less obvious, and we debate with friends over it, arguing that this or that should have happened differently.

I’ve been reading an interesting book recently called The Loop which talks a lot about human behaviour. One of the most interesting points that I have read is about how the brain processes information to ease the load on our cognitive functions. There are so many things occurring in the world around us that if we tried to perceive all of them at once, we would never get anything done. We would be overwhelmed by information, unable to make any meaningful decisions in response to it. To solve this problem, the book states that our brain takes all of the data from our senses and processes that information into a ‘story’ which we can process quickly. This allows us to make decisions quicker than we would otherwise be able to, which was critical to our survival when we were not organised into societies like we are now. If you are about to be attacked, you don’t have time to pay attention to the ambient bird song around you, or the storms approaching in the distance, you need to make a decision about the main threat as quickly as possible to better guarantee your survival. Will you run or will you fight? You’re usually already doing one before you have consciously made the decision.

I’m not sure how accurately I am describing these things, and whether they are mere theories, as opposed to things that are properly ‘proven’. To an extent, I think some of these theories are hard to conclusively prove as 100% correct, other than presenting evidence which seems to back them up. It makes sense to me, though. The fact that we seem so predisposed to enjoy stories and find predictable patterns in the world makes me believe it even more. Those things satisfy our brain because they make us feel safe, as if we understand that to be the natural order of the world. We like to think that things are predictable and follow a plot – it helps us drive our cars every day without worrying about the prospect of crashing, and it allows us to go about our lives without constantly worrying about having a heart attack at any random moment. We struggle to comprehend when a study is done, and the results tell us that our behaviour is irrational. Instead, we choose to believe that if we were in that study, we would have behaved differently, beating the odds and being one of the few that saw past the tricks. When we put a bet on a football team to win a game, they lose. When we decide to save the £5 we were going to bet on them winning, they do win. We curse the universe. Why does this always happen to me?

There are now theories about why the gunman carried out his heinous plan to kill the Japanese prime minister. Apparently, his motive centres around a political movement called the Family Federation for World Peace and Unification, or the Unification Church for short. The gunman claims that his mum made a huge donation to the Unification Church in the 90s shortly after she joined, which put a huge financial burden on his family. He claims that Shinzo Abe has ties to the Unification Church, due to him speaking at an event (or a few events, it isn’t very clear from the reading I have done) organised by the them. Police have said that upon searching his house, they found other handmade guns. The gunman apparently attended a few other events that the ex-prime minister had spoken at, indicating that he has had a fascination with the prime minister for a while. It is certainly unwinding to be an interesting story, one that almost sounds too unusual to be a feat of real life as opposed to fiction. Perhaps I am simply overindulging in the story.

I have been creating a few of my own stories these past few days; I wish I could say they were happy ones, but they aren’t. It has been much tougher this week compared to last. Last week, I felt good until I woke up on Wednesday. From that morning, I felt tense, stressed and worried about the upcoming operation. The call then came on Thursday morning informing me that the operation was having to be moved, and it took me another few hours to fully decompress. I did, though, and I spent the weekend enjoying the nice weather, seeing friends and family, watching the Wimbledon finals and generally enjoying the impromptu time which was afforded to me by the operation being moved. Sunday night brought an end to that luxury.

Things have been hard since. A few things stick out in my mind which demonstrate where my head has been the last couple of days. At some point on Sunday, it struck me that I should have been in a high dependency unit at that very moment, with a wound across my stomach and tubes going in and out of every part of my body. It then occurred to me that all of this will still be happening to me exactly a week from that moment. That thought didn’t sit well with me. I wanted it to just be here so I could get on with it and deal with it. No matter what I did, my mind went back to that place. It is still frequently going there. Last week it hadn’t bothered me as much – even in my tenseness, I was eager to get the operation done. It wasn’t due to me fantasising about what state I’d be in this time next week. Now, these thoughts are haunting me quite frequently.

Next, my mum’s dog Dexter has been hunting in the garden this week. He is a spaniel, so has strong instincts to sniff out and dispose of other smaller animals that he regards as inferior to him. Monday night he found a hedgehog and was running around the garden with it in his mouth. My sister eventually got him to drop it and put him back inside. The poor thing was curled up on the soil, blood speckled on its wood-brown spikes. It was breathing heavily. We weren’t sure if the blood was from Dexter’s mouth, wounds on the hedgehog, or both. We hoped it was from Dexter, but doubted it all was. After standing over it with a phone light for 10 minutes, we decided to go inside and return a little while later to see if it had left. 20 minutes later we returned and it had left, leaving only small blood stains on the strands of grass next to where it had been cowering. We couldn’t find it in the garden anywhere, and Dexter hasn’t run around with a hedgehog corpse since, which would have certainly happened if it was in the garden. I’ve convinced myself that the hedgehog is still alive somewhere as that ending makes me feel better. Unfortunately, I know that it is probably unlikely to be true, and the poor thing probably ran off to take refuge somewhere else away from the danger, only to suffer and die. That thought isn’t nice.

The next evening, last night, I was soundly asleep with all of the windows open. There is a heatwave in the UK at the minute and it is incredibly humid, especially during the night. I woke up to the sound of my dad shouting at Dexter. Earlier on in the day, we noticed a baby bird hopping around on the ground in the garden. My sister said that this is normal when they leave the nest as it takes them some time to learn to fly. We watched it hop around before it took refuge in a small corner of the garden. It was incredibly cute. Knowing where it was, we kept the dogs away from that spot. My sister had then let the dogs out in the front garden that night to go to the toilet before bed. She thought that the front garden would be safer than the back, as the back garden was where we had seen the baby bird and where the hedgehog had been the previous night. Dexter had apparently made some unusual sounds, and she had rushed over to find that he had the baby bird in his mouth and was shaking it. I’d been woken up by my dad shouting at him to drop it. He eventually did, and the bird was still alive, though my sister doubted it would be for much longer.

That happened at about 00:30. I lay awake for a while afterwards. In my head, I watched as the bird’s bones and feathers were compressed by the dog’s jaw. It bothered me that I lay there peacefully in bed, but outside there was a young creature probably calling out for its mother; the last gasps of helplessness before it succumbed to its injuries. All of a sudden, I felt a strong connection to it. I saw myself laying there during the operation. I felt the surgeon saying the words to the other specialists in the room – “It’s worse than we thought. What can we possibly do to save this young man’s life?” I felt the void open in my mind as I sat there in the hospital bed days later, listening to the news that they have tried what they can, but that the tumour is more established than they could have anticipated. At some point among this noise, I fell asleep, putting an end to the bleak safari that I was taking myself on.

It was short-lived, though. I woke up at 03:00 with a bad indigestion-type pain in my abdomen. That was familiar – it was the original symptom that I had tried to get diagnosed for over a year during the Covid lockdowns. The familiarity provided no comfort, quite the opposite. My body was mimicking my dark fantasies from a few hours ago. It was writing the story for me, telling me that something has changed, that things have gotten worse. I rolled over every few minutes. Each time I closed my eyes and told myself that I was being stupid, but that voice was quieter than the other one. “It’s spread,” it screamed. “You know that it’s spread!”

As I lay there, I started obsessively thinking about the tumour surrounding the artery. I thought about it strangling it, spewing the cancer throughout my bloodstream and forcing tumours throughout my body, wherever it cared to devise them. I felt like I could feel them. It’s the most sinister feeling I’ve ever had about the cancer. I’ve felt scared before, but I’ve never felt so inwardly disgusted by own my body. It felt like the enemy. My mind was wandering; I wasn’t viewing this story as one with a hung ending, providing the potential of different endings, some good and some bad… I was viewing it as a conclusive story – the cancer is spreading, the surgery will be unsuccessful, I won’t recover from this.

Today, as I drove back from an appointment at the hospital, I noticed a single raindrop land on the windscreen of the car. It felt pronounced, yet inconspicuous. I sat waiting for another rain drop to hit, but it didn’t come. “Did you just see that single raindrop?” I said to my mum. It fascinated me. Then, another single raindrop hit. A few seconds passed, and the storm came. A flood of thin rain dotted the windscreen. I smiled to myself. “That was so strange,” I announced to my mum, wondering if she knew what I was talking about, or was just entertaining me as a show of support for my deteriorating mental state.

For whatever reason, I seem to be finding a lot of stories in the world around me at the minute. A lot of those stories are not going in a good direction, probably influenced by the stresses of the looming surgery, and a return to that tense state that I found myself in last week. The raindrops on the screen left me in suspense – what was going to happen? Why did a single droplet reveal itself right in my line of sight? When the rain finally came, I felt a rush of adrenaline as the story concluded before my very eyes. I had been scanning my mirrors to see if the raindrop could have come from any trees by the road. There weren’t any. For a few seconds, it baffled me. Then, when the rain came, I felt relieved.

Maybe there was a chance that my story could end with a positive outcome. Maybe the tumour will be different to how it looked on the scan; maybe they will even be able to remove the whole thing in the surgery and carry out a full Whipple procedure. Even if they don’t, the NanoKnife could do a serious number on it. NanoKnife may even get rid of it, even if the surgeon was reluctant to emphasise this point, due to a lack of evidence of NanoKnife being used to treat pancreatic cancer. I just don’t know the end of the story yet and I need to stop trying to predict it based on my negative thoughts. I’m here for the ride either way so I need to focus on enjoying it… It just seems impossible, sometimes.