The boundaries are blurred so I wait
Observing from a distance,
I consider my fate

In time there’s some meaning
I establish my feelings
A calming naivety, au fait

As I recoil back within
Escape the prison of my skin
I know that I suffer, but I’m alive

There’s moments of fear
And flashes of pain

Some days last an hour
Some hours last a day

In confidence I cry out and drop the facade
But I fight on regardless



I wrote ‘Alive’ about a week after being finally diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. I’ve been reading it in my notes on my phone since Monday, as I am finding myself relating to the words much more than I have been of late. This cycle of chemotherapy has been the most uncomfortable so far and my mood is suffering a bit because of it. At the time of writing this poem I felt unsure about my diagnosis and how worried I was. The first 3 verses were written about my struggle to come to terms with both the mental and physical elements of the diagnosis. The last 3 verses were then added the next morning when I woke up feeling particularly “doomy” about the situation.

Although I want to be as positive about my scenario as I can be, an important part of my process is always accepting negative feelings and trying to deal with them in a healthy way. Pretending that I do not get upset, scared or worried by the diagnosis, and what the future holds for me, will not stop those feelings surfacing. Unfortunately, I am having a few tough days where those feelings are getting the better of me. But it does mean that it feels right to share this poem now, so I hope you enjoy!

I’ll be back to the blogging shortly.

11 thoughts on “Alive

    1. Thank you. It’ll pass shortly I’m sure – it’s just been a little time since I have been dealing with these sorts of feelings. That in itself is a good thing though. It was always bound to change again at some point xx

      Liked by 1 person

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