The boundaries are blurred so I wait Observing from a distance, I consider my fate In time there’s some meaning I establish my feelings A calming naivety, au fait As I recoil back within Escape the prison of my skin I know that I suffer, but I’m alive There’s moments of fear And flashes of pain Some days last an hour Some hours last a day In confidence I cry out and drop the facade But I fight on regardless Alive
I wrote ‘Alive’ about a week after being finally diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. I’ve been reading it in my notes on my phone since Monday, as I am finding myself relating to the words much more than I have been of late. This cycle of chemotherapy has been the most uncomfortable so far and my mood is suffering a bit because of it. At the time of writing this poem I felt unsure about my diagnosis and how worried I was. The first 3 verses were written about my struggle to come to terms with both the mental and physical elements of the diagnosis. The last 3 verses were then added the next morning when I woke up feeling particularly “doomy” about the situation.
Although I want to be as positive about my scenario as I can be, an important part of my process is always accepting negative feelings and trying to deal with them in a healthy way. Pretending that I do not get upset, scared or worried by the diagnosis, and what the future holds for me, will not stop those feelings surfacing. Unfortunately, I am having a few tough days where those feelings are getting the better of me. But it does mean that it feels right to share this poem now, so I hope you enjoy!
I’ll be back to the blogging shortly.